Open House

Ok so a couple of weeks ago I get this invite in the mail for a open house sponsored by an interior design company. I automatically thought it was a higher class of junk mail so I trashed it with the rest of the circulars. Then last Friday Erik goes honey did you get an invite for an open house from John Cruthers, ooops, that was legit. So I told him I thought it was junk mail. And Erik said that this colleague and his wife just renovated their 2.4 million dollar home and are having an open house to show it off. So I said well of course you can go honey. Well Erik said I was thinking we could all go. So I mentioned that would probably be a bad idea, but Erik says he really wants to show off the kids and Jim said it would be ok to bring them. Well I am really curious to see the house, we know what curiousity does to a cat......."

First sign that this was a bad idea was the valet parking at a private residence. So we begrudingly gave the key to our dirty mini-van to a complete stranger and walked up the steps to the double doors. Second bad sign was the door was jubiantly opened by a wait staff who said,"Oh what a nice Cookie Monster.", unfortunately it was an Elmo doll in Bekah's arms. As we ascended the steps from the front doors we encountered a violinist and a cellist and a statue. I was so focused on Michael that I forgot about Bekah who slipped away to start jumping on a white couch with her shoes on. Erik gets a call from the e.r. and he takes off with Jake who is in a backpack on Erik's back. I see some sliding glass doors and usher Mike and Bekah outside and I am hoping we can stay out here forever. We are on a deck with a great view and Mike races down the stairs to the front lawn so I help Bekah down the steps but by the time we get to the bottom Mike races back up the steps and starts to lick the sliding glass doors while people dressed in cocktail attire and drinking wine are watching him. So I drag Bekah back up the stairs and I am yelling at Mike to please stop licking the doors and I will open them for him. I slide back the door and my 2 burst into the room and head for daddy who is at the bar talking to the homeowner.

John is very nice and offers me a drink but I decline because I need both hands free. Mike says, "I want melmonade" and Bekah says, "Me too". So I ask if they can have some lemonade and the bartendar fills up real glasses with about 8oz of lemonade for a 2 and a 3 year old!! I grab them and gulp down as much as I can before handing them off and of course this makes the kids mad," No, Mine,Mine!!!!". I hiss "Use both hands, no spillng" and direct them off of the new carpet and away from the white couch. Meanwhile Jake has his index finger 2 knuckles deep into his nose only taking it out to lean forward to wipe his nose on Erik's shoulder leaving shiny trails on Erik's black shirt.

We encounter another statue and some hideous modern art and I find another exit outside, this time to the backyard. On our way out a woman scans me head to toe with her lip curled up and says a very unfriendly, "Hi". She is in a cute strapless dress and heels and I am not, and I return her hi just as warmly and think with my luck that will be his wife, it is.

Mike immediately runs and jumps off the deck which is thankfully only 2 feet off the ground. Whenever possible Michael prefers climbing up and jumping off over using stairs. This includes furniture, as well as decks, or stairs in a house etc. Why just sit on a couch if you can climb over the back of it and sit, and then jump off of the back of it and run off, instead of just standing up and walking away? This time is no exception, and he flies off the deck and like 55% of the time he does not land on his feet and like 75% of the time he gets up and says, "I'm ok", even if he his limping. The other 25% of the time he draws blood and sometimes cries. This time he walks it off but he landed in gravel and he really liked the way that sounded, so he starts kicking it and the pebbles fly up and spray the deck. This earns a dirty look from Jim's wife and I plead with Mike to stop kicking the pebbles.


Finally Erik comes outside and Mike says he is hungry, but there are only wait-staff with trays of delicious looking non-kid-friendly food. So Erik says I will find something and comes back a few minutes later with small slices of dark rye bread with cream cheese. That's great for Bekah who will eat anything but Mike is just going to have to go hungry. Bekah is very methodical in her eating and goes about licking all the cream cheese off of the bread and onto her face. I tell Erik, "Honey we need to leave, I am really uncomfortable." he agrees but then John comes outside and wants to introduce us to his wife. Meanwhile Michael is exploring the empty dog kennel and I am hoping he doesn't step in dog poop. John's wife, whose name I don't remember, was unwelcoming and when her husband joked what a brave woman I am for having 3 kids under the age of 4 she said, "Well your mother had 3 kids too and she started off with you.". Her delivery made this declaration sound like an insult towards her husband and a not too impressed commentary on my choices so I politely excused us and said we really should be going. Jim gave me a hug and shook Erik's hand and then offered to take the kid's lemonade glasses, Bekah's now smeared with cream cheese, and we dragged Mike through the house by the wrist and back to the driveway.

We were in there less than 20 minutes and it took almost as long for them to retrieve our van from wherever the valets were parking all of the cars. Michael kept complaining that it was taking forever and Bekah was running up and down the front steps. Erik's own personal doctor showed up with a beautiful drug rep as his date and at least they were friendly faces. Even though Ned's date was wearing stilettos she chased Bekah up and down the steps holding Elmo for her and I was very impressed, her biological clock must be ticking loudly.

Once we got into our dusty, crusty family mobile I started to complain to Erik how mean John's wife was to me and I said she must have amnesia because I saw the pictures of her 3 grown children on the wall. Erik corrected me and said those are her step-children. Ohhh, trophy wife! Makes perfect sense now and I almost forgave her nasty attitude. Since she never had children of her own she has to occupy herself with spending unG-dly amounts of money decorating her house with really ugly art. I am not exaggerating when I say ugly, one painting was of trucks with wings hauling hay and flying through the sky. WTF!! Michael actually liked that painting, which makes sense if you are a 3 year old boy, they like flying trucks.

Erik and I joked some more about what an incredibly bad idea it was to go there and then decided to go out to dinner since Michael claimed he was starving. It could have gone alot worse.