I am Alone

All 3 kids are in camp this morning! 9a-1pm M,W, and F. of this week they are in a day camp at our temple. I seriously can't decide what to do with myself.

Do I go get a mani/pedi, go shopping, drive home and masturbate with my bedroom door wide open? Nope. The first thing I did was finish filling out their paperwork, because of course I can't leave them there without it, and I hadn't done it yet. I am a master procrastinator. That took me a fucking hour and 15 minutes! Is this day camp or the secret service. Damn!

Jake cried when I left but he's in good hands, and Mike and Bekah were consoling him. I felt a twinge of sadness but it was fleeting. As soon as I saw the Starbucks sign I was over it. Now I am sitting here with my laptop, a quad shot non-fat mocha, a 1/2 eaten banana and I still don't know what the hell to do with myself.

I guess I will start with some blogging and schedule them to be posted periodically throughout the summer. You probably figured out that I gave up on my Weekly Weight Watchers recipes. Commitment is a challenge for me, probably why I didn't get married until I was 32 years old. I will post a recipe here and there, especially since I would really like to lose at least 5 more pounds before my 20 year high school reunion August 29th. But the weekly thing was an idea suited for somebody way more organized than I am.

Wednesday I do have an appointment and during this free time maybe I will go see the dentist and get my hair colored. That's not frivolity, the gray is coming in with vengenance. I believe I shall go as blonde as my eyebrows will let me. Why not?

I want to have fun and enjoy myself but I feel the need to balance this alone time with some real errands or work since my poor husband is slaving away at the moment.

Speaking of my husband we had a fight last week. We never fight. We snap at each other now and then, because we get tired and irritable but that's about it. Last week I was gently informing him that since my brother is getting married in September there are a bridal shower and a bacherlorette party on the books and I need his call schedule so I can figure out which one to go to. Of course I am leaning towards the bacherlorette party since that will be more fun. Well you think that I had asked him to serve me his balls on a platter.

He got all quiet and pouty looking and I asked him, "Are you pouting?". And he said, "A little." And I asked, "Why?". And he said, "Because you just got back from a bacherlorette weekend and left me with the kids.". "Well honey you are welcome to have a weekend alone with your guy friends too. You can go on that ski weekend with the guys from the hospital this year. As long as you stay away from the bad, slutty husbands.".

That didn't seem to cheer him up. And a few minutes later he said, "You can only go to one event! I am putting my foot down! You are only allowed to go to one event!".

At first I wanted to laugh hysterically! Then I realized he was serious. Dark anger washed over me, I had to take deep breaths, I was standing next to a block of knives, my hands were slippery from washing dishes, this could get very ugly.

Of course I was only planning to go to one event, not both. I may be a lot of things but I am not unfair. I wouldn't like it if he left me alone multiple weekends to party with his friends and family. Having kids is about sacrifice and I don't expect to have the carefree social life I used to lead. But I wasn't going to tell him that now, he pissed me off! And this wasn't drinking with my girlfriends, these are wedding events, for family, my brother!!!

I have come a long way baby when it comes to my anger management. I resisted the urge to yell and throw stuff and swear and call names. Well almost. I said, "What are you a fucking Promise Keeper?!". You know those right-wing Christian men that promise to uphold their marriage vows but really just boss their wives around? Erik said, "What?!" I said through clenched teeth, "You can't put your foot down and tell me what to do. What if this was your family member getting married? Do you think I wouldn't let you go?!." Then it deteriorated into the age old he works and I stay home and eat Bons Bons fight. Nice.

I walked away from that and went back to my Bons Bons, and dishes and kitchen floor and yelling at the kids. Then we both calmed down.

I sat on his lap and he apologized and said he was just really tired and he didn't mean to say that. And I said, "Honey I was only going to go to one event anyways, I am not an asshole. And you can go out and party with your buddies anytime, seriously, I owe you." . So we made up and it's all good!

I just didn't want you to think my life was perfect.

Getting Militant Again

I have been fired up this last week. First gay rights, now a woman's right to choose is in the headlines. I wrote about my feelings on my other blog. Check it out!

A Weekly Weight Watcher's Menu

Ok so I am trying to get back on the Weight Watchers wagon this week due to some chick thinking I was pregnant last weekend.

I am proud of myself because I have been sticking to it, and I have been to the gym 3 days in a row. I will go ahead and post my menu for the whole week below. I will fill in the recipes later and tell you if they tasted good or not. According to Weight Watchers I am supposed to eat 23 points a day but I have 35 extra points a week to use and exercise gives you some extra points too.

Monday
Dinner (I already posted breakfast and lunch earlier in this week)
An indescribable chicken and veggie soup. It was like a Mexican Minestrone. It was based on Weight Watcher's 0 points veggie soup but I had to add chicken for my husband the carnivore and beans and rice for me. I can't do their 0 points soup because I am hungry 5 minutes after eating it and then I get a headache. But with the chicken, beans and rice it only bumped up the soup to 2 points for a giant bowl.

Tuesday
Breakfast= 1 pancake with butter only and a banana= 4 points
Lunch= Leftover soup from Monday
Snack= whole wheat mini bagel with 2 Tbs. of Lite Veggie Cream cheese= 4 points (eaten before going to the gym)
Dinner= Grilled Teriyaki chicken, grilled asparagus, grilled pineapple and brown rice (I didn't grill the rice).
I just dumped some Teriyaki sauce over some chicken breasts early in the morning and let it thaw throughout the day. (Ken's Teriyaki marinade is pretty tasty). I grilled the chicken for roughly 4-5 minutes per side, by then the coals had cooled down a little so the pound of very thin and trimmed asparagus took about 4 minutes a side. The pineapple rings (straight from a can with juice not heavy syrup) I grilled on the very outside of the grill and they take about 2 minutes per side. I put salt and pepper on the pineapple (don't knock it until you have tried it). The asparagus I just poured some more Teriyaki sauce over it and those spears were sooooo good! The brown rice was Success, boil in the bag for 10 minutes, brown rice.

I dumped a palm size piece of grilled chicken, a handful of asparagus, and 2 pineapple rings over a 1/2 cup of rice and it was only 6.5 points and it was filling. I may have had a couple of beers while watching American Idol too. *

Wednesday
Breakfast= scrambled egg white, fat-free cheese slice (on a sandwich ok but I wouldn't eat this straight), and a whole wheat english muffin= 3 points
Lunch= More of the same soup and 1/2 english muffin with f.f. cheese melted on it=3-4 points, leftover asparagus from last night=0 points and a skinny cow popsicle= 1 point (yum!!)
Dinner= Going out to P.F. Changs with a couple of my buddies tonight so I will be eating Chinese food and drinking beer. These 2 friends are skinny though so I most likely won't be pigging out.

Thursday
Breakfast= same sandwich from yesterday
Lunch= Black Bean soup, 2 cups= 2 points (3 cans of black beans 2 of them drained and 1 undrained, dumped into pot with a can of fire-roasted diced tomatoes with juice, 1/2 cup chicken broth, a pinch of anise seeds, a pinch of dried sage and salt and pepper to taste, and Tabasco to taste. Simmer and eat with 2 Tbs of Fat Free Sour Cream, good stuff!
Dinner= Skim milk mozzarella sandwich on whole wheat bread with roasted red pepper strips and 1 tsp. of Pesto. Salad with Italian dressing and steamed broccolli and zucchini. I will give you recipe and points tommorrow or Friday.

Friday
Breakfast= Mini whole wheat bagel with 2 Tbs. lite veggie cream cheese and a cup of cantaloupe= 5 points
Lunch= More black bean soup
Dinner= Turkey burgers with minted yogurt cucumber dressing in whole wheat pitas. I will give points and recipes later when I figure it out.

Saturday
Breakfast= Sandwich, bagels or cereal= all of those are 3-4 points
Lunch= Soup if any is left or leftover turkey burgers or some kind of meat on a stick if we go to the Wind and Art Festival.
Dinner= I am trying to score a date with my husband if I can scrounge a babysitter. If I can't then I might cook ,or not. If I cook I will make Tandoori chicken on the grill, with steamed broccoli, brown rice and pita bread. I will let you know.

Sunday
Breakfast= Same as Sat.
Lunch= Same as Sat. we don't know which day we are going to the Passing Wind and Fart Festival (I crack myself up)
Dinner= Same as Sat.

Monday
Breakfast=Same as Sunday
Lunch= Leftovers
Dinner= It's Memorial Day and points be damned! I am going to hit the gym all weekend so I can enjoy a good bbq!

Grilled beef burgers with all the fixings (mayo, catsup, mustard, horseradish, cheese, lettuce and grilled sweet red onions) on huge sourdough buns
French Fries
Hot dogs
Baked Beans
Strawberries with whipped cream
Lots of ice cold beer




* Look I don't mind telling you how many beers I drink, but there are some chicks who read this blog even though they don't like me. They come from an old mom's club I was a member of and I try not to give them too many things to talk about when it comes to my lifestyle choices. Of course it doesn't seem to occur to them that the wine and martinis they swill have more alcohol than my beers..........

Something New

I am falling behind on my Weight Watcher recipes, sorry about that. It just got super busy around here. Well I am back on the wagon. Some chick thought I was pregnant this weekend, bitch.

I was at a bridal shower and I was making small talk with some very skinny moms and one of them said, "You look like you are pregnant.". WTF? No, seriously, What The Fuck?! I was stunned. I thought I looked pretty good too, a little bloated, but not enough to look pregnant.

So I need to get serious. I have a bacherlorette party to go to in a month. Thankfully that anorexic chick won't be there, but just in case she sees pictures of me from that weekend, I want her to say, "Oh shit I can't believe I thought she was pregnant! I am a truly horrible person and now I need to go eat a Double Whopper with cheese and maybe some onion rings too.".

So what I am going to do is post my meals for the entire week, with the points. And I will try to eat them too.

Monday, May 18th

1 cup Cheerios
1/2 cup 1% milk
sliced 1/2 a banana
At least 4 cups of coffee with 2 Tbs. of nonfat non-dairy Vanilla creamer
Points= 4

Ok so that's breakfast. I will post the rest of the meals as the day goes along. It's 10:14 pm here and I need to brush my teeth and go to bed. Wish me luck.

I don't need luck brushing my teeth, I mean good luck with sticking to a diet void of cheese and beer.

Inaugural Hangover, In-Laws and The Super Bowl

I obsessively watched the inauguration almost 2 weeks ago. And I have been crazy busy since then so this is going to be a long read for you.

I had a friend and her 2 kids over that morning of 1/20/09 and we feasted on bagels and donuts. As soon as Aretha, in her fabulous hat, started singing I was teary and sniffling and it lasted all day long. That evening Auntie M and I tried to come up with our own version of the inaugural feast for our dinner.

http://www.chow.com/food_and_cooking/7032

We ate shrimp cocktail, rotisserie chicken, mashed potatoes, green salad and apple pie and vanilla ice cream. And lots and lots of champagne.

The next day I had a teensy bit of a hangover and I am so jaded from the last administration that I just assumed Obama would take a few days off to play golf. He actually went to work after staying out all night dancing. And every time I see him sit down and sign a new pledge to the American people with his left-handed scrawl, I want to make-out with him.

Soon after the inauguration my inlaws came to town from Arizona. Must people would shudder at a week long visit by their inlaws but mine are really cool. We visited and ate and took pictures and celebrated my FIL's 60th birthday. That is the picture below. My children don't sit well for pictures, they are the squirmy ones. Don't worry that's just water on Jake's pants, he has a hole in his lip.
Right after that party was SUPER BOWL. I could really care less about the game but having 55 people over to party on a Sunday was very exciting! I made 2 huge vats of nacho cheese sauce and we had a make your own nacho bar. It was a potluck too so we had a variety of toppings, plus hotwings, taquitos, several desserts and tons of beer. Good times!!! I think Bekah basically ate a dozen cupcakes by herself as much as I tried to stop her. Well at least she didn't go to bed hungry. That's her picture below with the evidence on her face and trying to put her 3D glasses on for the halftime show.







Our other halftime show was my dear husband and his buddy playing guitar. They sounded way better than Springsteen but the video I took turned out really shitty so I didn't post it here. They also played a post-game show that included Uncle Chrissy singing made-up blues songs that were, uhm, very interesting.

We did some betting with squares and I am not even going to pretend how that works but some squares were empty and since the game went long everbody decided that Erik and I would get the cash from the 3rd and 4th quarters and the rest would go to the N.E.O. Mamas party fund.

Speaking of my new and improved mom's club. When the universe slams a door shut she opens a window. I feel bad for blowing up the last club but everyone seems happier and far more entertained and we get almost one new member a week. There is obvioulsy a need for a group of women that aren't easily offended, and their husbands like it too. I know because a couple of husbands have told me to my face that this club is better.

I also heard that a couple of scab pickers are still reading my blog/blogs. What I mean by this is that there are some women who read my blog only to get mad or to confirm their suspicions that I suck. Hey if that floats your boat be my guest. I personally avoid stuff that pisses me off or makes me feel bad. Life is way too short.

Even though I just said I avoid stuff that makes me feel bad, I do have to take a minute to get personal and talk about feelings. So skip this part if you want, I am fine with that. So all last week and yesterday, people kept commenting on how brave I am (and maybe a little crazy) to host a super bowl party with 55 guests. Most of these guests were under the age of 5 years old. Let me tell you why I don't mind doing this. I grew up in a house with an asshole, alcoholic, drug addict. That would be my mother's current husband (sorry mom you might want to skip this part). Even though my friends were welcome to come to my house, they often did not want to because they were scared of my step-father. They told me this then, and they tell me this now as adults, how they felt as children. So don't think I am just projecting my feelings on others, this is a fact.


This is why I don't mind hosting parties, playgroups, potlucks, etc. I won't lie it's a killer on my carpets and I spent a huge part of my morning cleaning, and I am not done yet, but it's so worth it. To have a home where not only my kids feel safe, but where other parents' kids feel safe and have fun, is something that is very, very important to me.

Uh-oh now I am having some deep feelings so I better go eat the leftover pork ribs in my fridge until these feelings go away.

Broken T.V.

Bekah ended up with a fever of 103 last night and I felt terrible for being annoyed at her potty training mishaps. I kept her home from school this morning and now she seems fine, no fever and torturing her brothers. She made Jake cry so hard he held his breath, turned blue and almost passed out. I had to run over and catch him and then blow on his face to make him inhale.

The lamp on our t.v. is burned out and I have a ton of laundry to fold. The connection there is that I find it physically impossible to fold laundry without the t.v. on. What am I supposed to look at? The laundry while I fold it? How boring!

I really hate potty training

xcuse typing jake is sitting on my lap eating teddy grahams, mike is running around talking on a banana like a phone and bekah is probably soiling her pants

potty training totally sucks and i suck at it. she actually peed on my foot today. and this was less than a minute after she got off the toilet. she came into the kitchen stood next to me and peed on my foot. i was so angry i had to walk away, my right foot going squish-squish. i wanted to scream.

what's wrong with me? why do i lose my temper so easily when it comes to potty training? whats gonna happen when i have to teach them how to drive?

bekah is my smart one too. and everyone always say girls are easier to potty train. easier than what taking out my own kidney? fuck!!

if freud was right than my kids are going to be serial killers or just plain neurotic. i even told bekah today i would buy her a maserati if she pooped on the potty. it's like i become possesed by this horrible person. i keep chanting little mantras to myself about patience, empathy, enmeshment and then i lose it and start yelling.

its like that last month of pregnancy where you seriously think you are going to be pregnant forever. you know you are going to be in a nursing home with alzheimers and still pregnant at age 85. that's how i feel today, that bekah will never be potty trained. she will be at her high school graduation and her gown will have a big wet spot on it as she steps on stage to receive her diploma.

Bekah's First Haircut

The day after her 3rd birthday Bekah had her first haircut. We went to a place specifically for kids and the woman who runs the place is a sweetheart and very talented. Even so Bekah tried to scratch her and was just plain awful. This wonderful woman managed to get it done cheerfully. She did an excellent job!

So Wednesday was Bekah's 3rd birthday and I went to bring the obligatory cupcakes to her classroom and I was there less than 5 minutes and another student fell down and started to seize and vomit. One teacher skillfully turned him on his side but everyone else seemed to freeze. So I calmly volunteered to call 9-1-1 on my cell phone. When you call 9-1-1 on your cell it goes to the CHP and that coupled with the fact that another staff gave me the wrong address may have caused a 10 minute delay in paramedics getting there.

So back in the day I used to manage a group home for severely emotionally disturbed teens, which included carrying an emergency pager, I worked in specialized foster care where I had 2 clients with a seizure disorder, and I also worked in an emergency psychiatric hospital. So I have had experience dealing with these situations. On Wednesday I just couldn't help wanting to take over and I tried really hard not to. I did end up waiting for the paramedics and going outside to help a teacher who took the initiative to take 10 kids and the cupcakes outside by herself.

I love this preschool and I admire the owners but I was concerned about the lack of protocol so being the busybody that I am I wrote them an email suggesting they review an emergency plan with their staff. It's better to be safe than sorry. Thankfully they were not offended and took my ideas plus more and the next day had a meeting with all their staff and had everyone sign off too. I am relieved. 10 minutes is a long time and this little boy turned out to be fine but what if he had aspirated some vomit and stopped breathing? Too scary to even think about.

So Erik is at the gym right now with all 3 of our savages and I am at home so I can prep for Bekah's big birthday bash. Being the big fat loser that I am, I immediately sit down and start writing on my blog. It's been awhile though and I needed to update.

Bekah's theme is butterflies and everything is pink, green, purple and orange. Very cute! All of my buddies will be here so there will be an after party for sure, woo hoo! I will post pictures later, like tommorrow later.

So I am off to clean, stuff gift bags, make appetizers and I guess I should shower and brush my teeth too.

An American Bar In Iraq

So my younger brother Bill is in Iraq. Weird place for a Navy Seal since there isn't a lot of ocean in the desert, but Seals are good for other stuff too. I was talking to him this evening on Facebook, using instant messaging. I actually talk to him more now than I did when he was in San Diego because when he is at home in his spare time he is surfing or hanging out with his wife. Now that he is bored in his spare time he talks to basically any family or friends on Facebook. He also called me on my cell phone and it sounded like he was in California, it was amazing! He told me everything is monitored so basically the phone calls consist of me talking about the kids.

This evening he did say that him and his buddies are building a bar and would like bar decorations. I made some joke about building a matching still and making potato wine, which he promptly ignored, making me slap my forehead remembering that he has told me countless times everything is monitored, Duh! Anyways I do want to help our men in uniform by sending them bar decorations.

I asked my husband if he would like to donate his dogs playing poker tapestry he got in Tiajuana while at UCSD but he actually got sad and said only if Bill promises to bring it back. OMG, of course I am not going to ask Bill to bring that back from Iraq! Men get so goofy and sentimental about that shit, I knew better than to ask about the framed velvet painting of the monkey poker dealer. So I said fine then I am buying Bill a neon sign and Erik said fine.



My brother's name is Bill, when you get a chance, please say a prayer. And I don't care who you pray to, it could be G-d, Buddha, Jesus or your garden gnome just say, "Please let Charlotte's brother Bill come home intact.".
Below is a pic of Bill with my first born. They are clones. Bill has passed out watching Transformers with his first nephew.

This is Bill's beautiful wife Ari with a squirmy Bekah, Dec. 2007

This is Bill with Jake after Jake has obviously eaten a dinner of sweet potatoes and carrots. I am guessing since he looks a little orange. Dec. 2007

Oh To Be A Fly On The Wall In Livermore

This evening is a mom's night out for a mom's club I was never a member of and never had to quit because of my big mouth. If I didn't have such a big mouth I would be there right now, enjoying fondue, but now I am at home writhing on my couch dying of curiousity.

Is anyone talking shit about me? Which one of my friends will be the first one to stick up for me? Will there be a catfight where someone's shirt gets ripped off and their boob flops out of their bra? And if that happens will somebody be smart enough to film it on their iPhone and upload it on Youtube? This is fucking killing me.

Most of the chicks at this restaurant in Livermore this evening are my friends, a handfull are not. And a couple of them need to have their fondue pot pissed in by me. Dip your bread chunk in that bitch.

Sigh............ok I feel a little better. Somebody better send me an email tommorrow with an update. Even if it's all civil and boring I want to know about it.

Must Clean Kitchen

Ugh I sat down to eat a sandwich and now I really don't want to get up. Jake was up at 5:30a again so Erik let me sleep alone in the bed until 7:30a and then I let Erik nap until almost 9a. And I still want to go back to bed, I am soooo tired.


But I need to rally while Jake is napping and Erik has Mike and Bekah. I need to bust a move in my dirty house and filthy kitchen. After naptime we are going to Merrill and Chris's housewarming and tommorrow we are having Nana Jan's 60th birthday here so I need to clean now.

Ok one more thing. Some friends of friends may be splitting up. I know these people just peripherally but it still makes me super sad. Makes me appreciate my husband so much more. I just can't imagine leaving him or him leaving me. And with kids involved it's just too depressing and incomprehensible to me.

Makes me want to send Erik flowers and candy.

Feels the same.

So I woke up today thinking I was going to feel different because we have a black president but nope same old shit. Kind of like when you lose your virginity and you certainly don't feel more wise and womanly the next day.

The day started with way too many mammals in my bed, at a way too early time in the morning, and Bekah fell into the toilet which scared her to death and will delay potty training for another week. Jake had two poops so bad I had to change his clothes both times and it involved carpet cleaning, opening the windows and after the third time I washed my hands I still felt unclean and wanted to take a shower. I was tired and there was a ton of laundry to do and I ate too much Halloween candy.

I put on The View this morning to see if Elizabeth Hasselback (sp?) would show up and she was there and nobody beat her up. That was a little dissappointing. If I was on The View I would have got in her face and told her to, "Suck it!". That's probably why I am not on The View. And that's definitely why Rosie is not on The View anymore. Whoopie outclasses Rosie O'Donnell. There is no way she would have been able to keep her mouth shut today, that would have been awesome! Oh well.

Tommorrow is the Day!

Don't forget to vote tommorrow. Let's all channel Obama's Grandma. Her name is Madelyne if you need a name to pray with. Yes I am going to get all cosmic and spiritual on your ass for a second. Look this is important, not just for our country but for our planet and our planet is ruled by other planets etc. etc.

Dear Madelyne must have passed today for a reason. Her beloved Grandson may or may not be voted into the next presidency tommorrow. Now we have all heard stories, whether it be Hollywood or personal, where a sick and elderly person held on to life to complete a mission. Both Johnny Cash and Ray Charles died right before the stories of their lives hit the big screens but they had both worked on perfecting their story so the truth came out. Once they knew that was going to happen they were able to leave this planet in peace. Maybe Madelyne knew that her legacy would continue with her grandson, and she was able to leave in peace. So it's our responsiblity to make sure that happens.

Ok I will stop.


So earlier today I passed out door hangers for local Democrats with Mike and Jake. I probably broke some child labor laws but it's for a good cause. Actually they sent us out into a neighborhood in Walnut Creek where only half the streets had sidewalks, so only half the stuff got hung up because I wasn't risking my children's lives. This election is important but not that important.

Earlier this evening our friend called to talk to Erik and started asking about me and the recent drama. I was shocked realizing that a guy friend had heard about this mama drama and actually called my husband to ask about it. And of course Erik was telling him his version of events which is wrong and then joking about living with a social pariah and leper colonies etc. etc. Meanwhile I am convulsing in the corner begging for the phone. I finally get it and set the record somewhat straight, I won't lie, I can do positive spin. One of his co-workers is a member of that mom's club and mentioned some of what was going on, that's how a random guy found out. Turns out she is on my side so that was comforting. San Ramon is a small town.

Vote for Obama.

It's all about me, not you!

Last night I had a dream that I was in bookstore and found one of my old journals on a bookshelf. It doesn't take Freud to figure what that meant. My blog is my online journal that I let people look at. And even though this is my intellectual property if I put the names of real people in here I have to take responsibility for that.

A few times this week I have been asked to change some stuff on my blog. The first person to do so is a beloved friend. A rational, loving, kind and well-balanced person that I would take a bullet for with no hesitation. So I dropped everything I was doing and complied with her request.

Another person, quite unlike the person described above, also asked me to do so. No. I have also received a thinly veiled threat of a lawsuit.


I know, I know. You are thinking "What?! Really?! Are you shitting me?!" No I am not. Even though this blog was originally started as a creative outlet for me some people actually enjoy reading it. I am very flattered by that. But there are also some people who enjoy reading it so they can cause drama and strife.

Some people have started to read it because it's becoming a little bit like Jerry Springer and they think it's funny, I am ok with that too. I slow down on the freeway to look at car wrecks too. But some people are reading it because they are the type fo people who like to pick scabs and then get upset when they bleed.

So today instead of sweating off Halloween candy on the treadmill I am going through my entire blog and removing names. I am using my gym's free WiFi and day care because I am paranoid enough to believe this thinly veiled threat.

I am very angry about this. After today if you read a description of a person and you think it's about you, it's not. I know the old saying is if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck and looks like a duck then it must be a duck. When it comes to my blog that saying does not hold true. If I actually don't name it duck, then it's not a duck, it's a unicorn.


Even if you swear up and down the person I am describing is you, it's not. Even if you really want it to be you, it's not. Even if anywhere I go or groups I belong to sound familiar, they are not. It's a coincidence or a complete fabrication. This blog now exists in a identical twin parallel universe. And my universe is better than your's and crazy, psycho, drama queens are not welcome. Lawyers aren't welcome either. Unless I was already friends with them before today.

But if you are angry and just really, really have to say something to me about it. Don't email me, please feel free to leave a comment on my blog. That way everyone can share my joy. Save the drama for your mama and vote for Obama. That came from a friend but I can't put her name here anymore.

Remember it's all about me, not you!!!!!!

Been Booted

So I ended up getting kicked off my mom's club yahoo groups, a different one from what you are thinking of, and may get kicked out of the entire club. Lame. Erik has started calling me a social pariah. I know who my friends are, and most people support me, but still I feel like such a loser.

I have been kicked out of parties, bars, restaurants and classrooms but a mom's club? That is a new low.

It's possible I can write a suck up letter to the International Group of Mothers (yes that does exist), I am still pondering that idea. Not sure if it's worth the effort.

Today is Halloween and my kids are party animals! We have been to a playgroup, a preschool parade, lunch with Erik at Chili's and after naptime is a party with our friend/realtor Nicole and then back home for trick or treating. Woo Hoo!!

Ooooops

As much complaining as I do about drama in my moms club, now I am the unintentional instigator. Somebody accidentally sent my fake letter to the whole mom's club. If you don't know what I am talking about you are going to have to read the post below for history because I gotta take a shower soon and don't have time to explain it again.

So my joke letter was buried under a thread of emails that had turned to talking about the cold weather in the East. So hopefully most people won't scroll all the way down and read the original email. Ugh I was just venting I didn't want people's feelings to get hurt. Now I have caused more work and problems for our president M and her son is sick and she doesn't need this. I just hope I don't have to kiss ass or get kicked out of the mom's club, the other one in San Ramon. I will of course take responsibility for my big mouth, but it's gonna hurt.

I am going to take the kids out of town today and hide. Wish me luck.

More Mama Drama

Oh will it ever end? So I wrote in an earlier post about the drama going on in my mom's club, that is not like that other mom's club. Drama that is completely new to us as we grow larger and less intimate. I will be brief in my explanation of this new shitstorm that I have apparently caused. My friend and former President of the moms club's husband is running for water management board, and I am not using any names here or real positions just in case anyone significant reads my blog. So our club was running a poll and I made a joke saying that a poll was a great way to practice voting for next week and that we should vote No on 8, Yes on Obama and Yes on this woman's husband. So a new member I have never met or heard of, sent out an email saying that the mom's club is not a political club and that I need to keep my opinions to myself. Awesome. So I felt bad because I am causing problems for my friend who is president, M so I sent out a nice apology. That is the email directly below. Well a bunch of other moms sent me personal emails expressing disbelief that somebody could actually be offended so I wrote a fake letter just for them. That one is below the real kiss ass one that I sent out.


Dear L and anyone I offended,
As a former member of the board, I am aware of the bylaws and you are right this is not a political club. By the way the bylaws are a great way to cure insomnia, just ask Madame President M. I know she has had to peruse them quite frequently in the past few weeks and I sincerely apologize to her for causing any problems with my previous email. I also apologize to you L. and anyone else that was offended.

L. since you are new I am sure we haven't met and you may not be aware that there was a punchline in that email. Our former Moms Club President's husband is running for the San Ramon Water Management Board. Though this role is important it is politically benign and he is a super nice guy so I was offering my support. So when it comes to apologies, I don't apologize for saying vote for him. Unless of course your partner is running against him for same position and then I do apologize to you again.

L. I encourage you to participate at club events and then you can see that we are all friendly, but it's hard to tell that by emails sometimes unless you rely heavily on emoticons to express yourself. # : ) I did not make it to hoot and howl because I was too tired after having the book club at my house Monday morning, and SuperFranks was during my daughter's soccer class, and if you were at the Halloween party this morning I am sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself, I was chasing my boys.

L. and K. N. there is a seperate email group for our club that is about discussion ,politcial and otherwise, I forget who moderates it but if you send an email out asking you will get an answer. That group is great for getting into intelligent discussions after the kids go to bed and we all agree to disagree respectfully and learn new things from and about each other.

Welcome to the club,
Charlotte Gracer mother to:
Michael Rankin Gracer 4 years old, Rebekah Hazel Gracer almost 3 years old and Jacob William Gracer 19 months old


Below is the fake email that I didn't send, it was just my way of venting.






Dear L. and any other bitch that bursts into tears when somebody looks at you cross-eyed,

As a former member of the board, a thankless job just like motherhood, I am completely aware that I was breaking one of our million bylaws. I have to admit I was fishing people like you out of the moms club population so when we do split off I know where not to go. I do apologize to M for causing her to have to deal with more whining that seems to never end from the likes of you. Thing is M is a big girl and will probably get over it loooong before you do.

L. , and you other bitches, since you are new we probably haven't met and if we have it will probably take me a year to remember your face since all the pot I smoked in an earlier life and the ravages of motherhood have left me short on braincells. It would also help though if you actually showed up to moms club events, not like that other mom's club.Before having kids I was never in a club so I really don't understand the point of joining something and never showing up. Well except for my old gym membership. Unless you actually like to sit home in your p.j.s feeling sorry for yourself and sending out snotty emails, then by all means party on. But actually we are really friendly in person, in fact if you showed up in your p.j.s nobody would really care, especially if you bring us cookies. In fact I went to a moms club event today, not like that other mom's club, without showering and wearing one of my husband's shirts and people still talked to me. My kids looked gorgeous and we were out of the house socializing and that is what is most important.

If you and the other spazzes would come to stuff you would also maybe get some inside jokes because you would meet other moms and know who they are and that their husband was running for city stuff. I mean really if I didn't know my friend do you think I would give a flying fuck about the water management board?! No offense to you know who.

Ok really we had 4 events going on this week, you could at least go to 1! And don't fucking whine to me how hard it is to get out of the house, I am well aware of that. My morning started before the sun came up and before noon I had changed 4 diapers, fed 6 mammals if you include all my kids, me, my husband and the damn cat,made a sack lunch,dressed 2 kids and yelled at the other to dress himself, brushed their hair, took one kid to preschool while the other 2 tagged along, delivered a bale of hay and cheese and crackers to a moms club event and made sure my boys ate something besides cookies and cigarette butts, returned the bale of hay, got the van washed and vacuumed all the hay out, fed the boys lunch, dropped off son at school and picked up daughter, put her and younger brother down to nap, ate my lunch, and drank roughly 600 milligrams of caffiene. I dare you to whine to my face about how hard it is to get out of the house.

Welcome to the club,
Charlotte Gracer mother to:
Michael Rankin Gracer 4 years old honey moon baby, Rebekah Hazel Gracer almost 3 years old didn't use a condom or birth control after I stopped nursing, Jacob William Gracer 19 months old was on the birth control pill for the first 7 weeks of his gestational life.

P.S.
L. you didn't tell us your political affiliation when you sent out your brief, albeit bitchy email, so I will just take a wild guess that you won't be needing any extra No On 8 signs from my front yard. Go ahead and call me a liberal queer loving fag hag, because I have been called worse. In fact if you have been in our moms club for awhile you would know that my 4 year old has been known to call me a poopy vagina.
Peace out.

The last few weeks

Ok so I never thought anyone would really read my entries but they do! I go to tell somebody something and they say, oh yeah I read that in your blog. Well shit, then I got nothing to top that. I mean with the sleep-deprived induced Alzheimer's I repeat myself all of the time and now it's even worse because people can read my stories before I even get a chance to verbalize them.

I went to a mom's night out for the mom's club, the unofficial mom's club that has nothing to do with that other one, the other night and I arrived late, people were happy to see me. It took me aback for a moment...I have been well-known, even infamous, but popular was a new feeling. I was popular with the boys in high school but looking back that wasn't a good thing.

Ok since I have last blogged it's been almost a month and I will try to be better about filling in. We had our Mom's club swap, similar to that other mom's club, and I get rid of alot of stuff and came away with just one toy each for the kids and some cute summer dresses for Bekah. The following day Mike was invited to a bday party at a bowling alley so I recruited my mom to help out. Damn good idea! First thing Mike did when we got in there was run up to an alley grab a ball and throw it. The people whose game it was were quite shocked to have a 3 yr. old come out of nowhere and screw up their game. He was a spazz for most of the party but thankfully the mom who hosted, Robin, has 2 boys of her own and totally gets it.

So the week of March 3rd to March 8th was the auction fundraiser for VPPS. I worked my ass off for this. I may have not done as much as others but I have more kids so I have a built-in handicap that makes any work much more challenging. Remind me to never volunteer for anything like this again. I was in charge of the food for an auction with 50 guests and Erik was on-call that weekend so he could only help a little. I had to get Sarah to watch the kids and then go and set up and then Erik and I spent too much money and then had to stay and clean up! WE were exhausted and now Mike doesn't even go there anymore!!!

Yep I pulled him out. It was reccommend he go somewhere else with more structure and I was going to keep him enrolled just for that one hour of free time 2x a week until I found a new school but he had a bad experience last Wednesday so I yanked him. This bitch of a mother actually squeezed his arm and yelled at him. Granted he hit her in the face for telling him to go wash his hands, which he was reprimanded for, but just think if somebody grabbed your forearm forcefully and then yelled in your face, would you not be scared or angry? And she did this with adult witnesses around, what would she have done with nobody looking? The more I thought about it the more uncomfortable I became, so I gave my 2 weeks notice. When I told him about this, he was relieved and excited to go somewhere else, I should have done this sooner.

His teacher L brought a cute portfolio by that she had been working on and Mike was very excited. It was full of adorable pics and info on his developmental milestones. It was very touching of her to do that. And even Teacher Dominatrix called me and after some CYA on her part said that people would really miss us because we were so friendly and that Mike had made alot of friends too. We check out a new school on Wed. Wish us luck.

Friday Bekah celebrated Purim at Ganeinu, which is her playgroup at Temple. I dressed her as a princess and she was so pretty I could only look at her sideways. She is so much taller than the other girls her age she looks about a year older and I put her hair up in a top knot with coils coming down, it was gorgeous! Tommorrow we all go to the Purim carnival at Temple Isaiah and Nana Jan and Merrill, Chris and Kaitlyn and Haley will be there too. It should be fun. Mike will be Spiderman, Bekah a princess but I will have to drag out something for Jake.

Jake is getting 2 teeth at a time so he has been a little grouchy, but he is still cuddly and sweet too. My dad came to visit this afternoon. We managed to squeeze in some Scrabble and the first game I beat him unmercifully. I got over 400 points and he barey hit 300! The next game he only beat me by 3 so I was still kicking butt.

Both Mike and Bekah immediately asked where Grandma was. Cherie is on a cross-country road trip with Dawn, bringing Cherie's son Clay a new car. Cherie called today to ask me about Graceland in Memphis and I highly reccomended it! Erik and I are not fans of Elvis but on our road trip that was one of the best stops we made. Graceland was a blast, a great tour, Elvis was a cool dude.

Michael has his kidney test next Thursday. They will put a tube inside his penis and fill his kidneys with radioactive fluid to check the status of his kidney reflux. Wish us luck, if he has not outgrown this condition then he will need surgery soon. The last time he was checked the status was still moderate which is bad and will probably not go away with age. I am not looking forward to this at all.

I am watching the news right now and the big deal is Elliot Spitzer the Gov. in N.Y. who frequented prositutes for $5,000. an hour. Doh. Also Barack's former Reverend who is quoted as saying, "God Damn America". What an asshole!! I am still voting for Obama and I think my Dad is too.

Happy St. Patrick's Day and Happy Purim!

More preschool crap

So back to school for Mike after MLK day off, I thought to be proactive and run him before class with the help of my friend L and her sweet son J. Even though the plan was to keep Mike out of big circle time which is his trigger they for some reason went ahead and had him sit in there and of course he was a spazz, screaming naked box and other antics. So of course when I get there to pick him up 30 min. early I get to have a parent teacher conference and basically it's either Mike hits the road, I have to go to school with him every day (no thanks), or he only stays for free time. I am going with door #3 and eventually re-introduce him to circle time.

I know this is genetic. He is so much like Bill energy wise but I wasn't the best student either. I remember very clearly in Kindergarten Mrs. Honeywhacker (I swear that's her name) used to put me on the island all of the time. It was like a time-out except you had to sit in the middle of the of room and nobody could come near you. She also threatened to throw me over her knee and spank me. I have a special ability to piss off teachers and I think Mike inherited this. In 3rd grade Mrs. Golitz kept me in from recess and turned over my desk upside down and screamed at me to clean it up. In the 5th grade Mr. Sanford slammed a huge stack of papers on my desk and told me I was a spoiled brat in front of the whole class. And in high school Mrs. Mali actually patted me on my butt and asked, "How does it feel to know that you are going to grow up to be nothing in life?".

I am not delusional I know my son is hugely difficult to deal with but I won't ever let him be treated abusively by adults that are supposed to be educators and role models. So these daily parent-teacher conferences send my anxiety sky-high. On one hand I want to hear ideas that are best for my son and to nip these antics before elementary school, on the other hand I want to protect him and lash out at any perceived unfairness.

Of course I also was not completely innocent. In the first grade I refused to say the pledge of allegiance because it said under G-d and there is supposed to be a seperation of church and state in this country. That protest went over like a turd in a salad. Second grade I ran away from school in the middle of the day because I was sick of having to write lines saying I will be quiet in class, they thought I, and my friend I conned into coming with me, had been abducted so they were extra furious when they realized we weren't victims but instigators. In 3rd grade the reason my desk was tossed was because I refused to practice my handwriting. If it's mostly legible who gives a shit if it's perfect, I think I am still correct on that position. In the 5th grade I refused to chew up those red tablets and swish with mouthwash during class time. Remember when they would do that? I told my teacher it was a waste of my parents tax money to be doing this in class just because other parents don't teach their children proper dental hygiene. The list of my grievances were long and tedious to my teachers, most of them patient and tolerant. Sigh.............and I gave birth to someone just as rotten as me. I believe that is called Karma.

Deletion

If ever you want to blog you should really be careful who and what you vent about, especially if you are going to add the blog address to your emails. I did not carefully manage what emails I was sending and I am hoping I deleted a couple of posts in the nick of time. Me and my big mouth.